What’s Your Love Language?
hopefully you and your significant other speak the same verbal language, otherwise i have no idea how you’d be able to communicate, get anything done or express your need to eat the last piece of pizza. however…chances are that you are probably speaking different love languages.
maybe you’re familiar with this book/concept of “the 5 love languages: the secret to love that lasts,” by gary chapman, and i know some of you are because apparently there have been over 8 million copies sold.
maybe you’re not so familiar with it and you’re in luck because i’m reading it and will share it with you!
the basic concept is that people feel deeply loved by their spouse when she/he is ‘speaking’ their specific love language and likewise. we typically don’t innately know this so we wouldn’t know what to express to our partners without figuring it out. i have a feeling that if there was a certain something you could do to make your spouse feel more loved by you, most of us would do it.
the love languages are as follows:
#1: words of affirmation: this is verbal/written words of encouragement and kindness (how much you appreciate the work i do, how much you love me and why, that my booty is rockin’ in my new dress, thanking me for going to the grocery store)
#2: acts of service: doing things you know i would like you to do or i don’t particularly like doing (cooking, dusting, washing the car, walking the dog, paying the bills, cleaning the damn toilet)
#3: receiving gifts: these are visual symbols of love and have great meaning to me, regardless of how much they cost (handmade things, surprise gifts for no reason, a single flower or the gift of your presence or a cookie)
#4: quality time: this is having focused, uninterrupted time together where the focus is just the two of us (having meaningful conversations, doing quality activities together, uninterrupted date night where your main focus is moi)
#5: physical touch: physical contact, not always sexual but loving and intimate (hand-holding, back rubs, sitting close to me, hugging and kissing when we part and sexy bedroom time)
in the back of the book, there is a questionnaire for both the husband and wife to fill out to find out your love language AND you can even do it online right now! follow this link to find out your love language and ask your partner to do the same.
my husband and i did this a few nights ago and it has already changed our actions-it’s pretty incredible (and yes, part of me was an eye-rolling eunice at first). i asked him if i could share our love languages with you to show how we need different things and how we are meeting those needs.
my love language: words of affirmation followed by receiving gifts. now does that mean i don’t absolutely love it when i come home to a sparkling clean place, or i don’t love my husband’s kisses or not spending quality time together? NO! this just means that i feel most deeply loved when my husband says kind and encouraging things to me and gives me little things to show he’s thinking of me.
this is absolutely true and accurate. i love hearing from him how i look sexy in my jeans and how he appreciates the great ideas i have for our business. i love to hear from him how much he loves me and how he feels like the luckiest guy on the earth to be married to me.
it also makes my heart skip a beat when he sends me a little gift from his travels or surprises me with a baby christmas tree during our travels around the country or asks the restaurant if he can have one flower from their bouquet and then immediately turns around gives it to me. i feel most loved by my husband when he directly and verbally encourages me and shows me he is thinking of me by giving me tangible, meaningful gifts.
yesterday afternoon, i came home from a meeting and found this (with very clear instructions):
on the inside of this note he wrote how much he loved me and said i could pick out whatever i wanted for dinner and he’d get the ingredients and make it for me! not only was i surprised by this unexpected gift, but now i have a little note that i tucked away in my overflowing drawer of notes and cards from people i care about.
the downside of my second love language being ‘receiving gifts’ is that i am total hoarder because everything anyone ever gives me hold sentimental value. yes, there are coasters and bottle caps in there too.
most importantly…he followed up on this and made outstanding chicken burritos last night for dinner!
my husband’s love language: physical touch followed closely by a tie between quality time and acts of service. if you know my husband, you would say this is spot on. he loves giving hugs, you have probably witnessed PDA between us, he does not like tangible gifts but rather experiences and thanks me profusely every time i do his laundry (because he hates it that much).
as we were talking, he told me his physical touch love language is actually expressed more by him touching me, rather than me touching him. he also feels most loved when our exchanges are passionate and spontaneous. the book speaks more about physical touching coming from your partner so i think it’s important to acknowledge while we can get a good grasp on our love language, the specifics of it vary from person to person.
did you ever wonder what i look like with fake eyelashes, a ton of make-up on and no glasses? here it is! (give me the glasses and no-make up 363 days out of the year…the fake eyelashes though…i could get behind those).
does this mean he never likes or appreciates words of affirmation or receiving gifts? of course not. in fact, on my way home from my meeting yesterday, i grabbed him a thai iced tea to surprise him with and give him a big sloppy kiss as i walked through the door.
if you’ve never had a thai iced tea-it’s basically a sugary tea topped off with condense milk and it will be your new favorite. i’m very proud of myself for only drinking 1 inch of it on my way home. who spots mt. hood in the unfocused background!?
it was extra amazing to come home and see that we each had been on each other’s minds. we instantly felt closer and more connected and that feeling has carried on.
if you’re interested in understanding more about your specific love language and how important it is for each of your love languages to be understood and put into action, you can find the book HERE.
it’s amazing how sometimes seemingly small things can create a massive shift for the positive in enhancing your marriage and relationship. it can also be challenging at times to change how you express love to your partner when you interpret and feel love differently. more on that in another post…
the new wifestyle: understand your own love language and needs needs as well as your partners. be willing to shift to get those needs met.
questions:
1) what is your love language?
2) do you know/have an inkling towards what your partner’s love language is?
3) what books are you reading lately?
i’m feeling so inspired by this book so tell ya what….leave a comment below on the blog and click the ‘like’ button above and you’ll be entered into a GIVEAWAY for this book to end up on your doorstep! (this is not a sponsored post and this book will be coming out of my own pocket change because it has been so powerful for us).
*this giveaway will end at 11:59pm on thursday 5/15/14 but feel free to keep on leaving comments about your love language!
please also feel free to share this article with your spouse, friends, family or your network! thank you!
junebugroseanne
May 14, 2014 at 1:56 pm
I enjoyed thinking about the 5 ways. Thank you. I do SOME OF THEM, but gives me more to think about doing.
chelsea
May 14, 2014 at 2:52 pm
it’s really great june! i’d recommend doing the survey and finding out which one love language is your deepest and then it will give you even more to think about 🙂 thanks for your comment june-hope you are doing well!
gwyn
May 14, 2014 at 4:56 pm
Thanks Chelsea. Superb book!
chelsea
May 15, 2014 at 7:21 am
I think so too gwyn!
syrena
May 14, 2014 at 6:33 pm
1 affirmations, hugs, and toastmasters!
2 not applicable… i think i’m a spinster.
3 speaker, leader, champion (you know it!) and the mirage by matt ruff
chelsea
May 15, 2014 at 7:23 am
haha yay speaker, leader champion book-hope you are enjoying it and mirage syrena! glad you know your love language-so important!
www.boomerssocialmediatutor.com
May 14, 2014 at 6:38 pm
Learned about the five love languages back in the 90s from my minister at the time. She once gave a sermon that referenced her preferred love language compared to those of her loved ones. My top love language like yours is words of affirmation followed by quality time. My husband’s is acts of service followed by quality time. It is so important for a couple (or for that matter anyone in a close relationship with another person) to honor the other person’s love language. The book I am reading these days is “Choose Your Energy: Change Your Life!” by Deborah Jane Wells, a life coach and a friend from my church.
chelsea
May 15, 2014 at 7:24 am
love what you said about how important it is to know this for couples or anyone in a close relationship to honor that person’s love language- thanks joyce! hope you are enjoying your other book as well!
Jennifer Haston
May 14, 2014 at 6:44 pm
questions:
1) what is your love language? words of appreciation and acts of service
2) do you know/have an inkling towards what your partner’s love language is?acts of service
3) what books are you reading lately?
“Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and “Speaker, Leader, Champion” by Ryan Avery and Jeremy Donovan 🙂
chelsea
May 15, 2014 at 7:26 am
so great that you know one another’s love language! and also great that you share some in common jennifer! hope “love and respect” is good and loving that people are reading my hub’s book-so wild!
Christina
May 14, 2014 at 9:31 pm
So I’ve skimmed the book at the store once, and we have discussed it in various meetings. I had an idea of what my love languages were, but never took an official assessment. LOL Not sure what to make of it and can’t wait to have my hubby take the assessment tomorrow. What do you think is going on? Here’s my scores:
6 Words of Affirmation
6 Quality Time
6 Receiving Gifts
8 Acts of Service
4 Physical Touch
Book I am reading:
The Power of Positive Confrontation: The Skills You Need to Know to Handle Conflicts at Work, at Home and in Life by Barbara Pachter, Susan Magee
chelsea
May 15, 2014 at 7:40 am
christina-thanks so much for sharing your results! my husband has similar numbers (associated with different languages) and we thought that meant you feel loved in a variety of ways but in your case acts of service is how you feel deepest love. excited for your hubby to take it too! your other book sounds really interesting too-might have to check it out!
chelsea
May 16, 2014 at 8:26 am
random number generator chose #1-JUNE! i’ll be emailing you to get your address and the book in the mail 🙂 thanks all!
Carey King
May 19, 2014 at 5:40 am
Well hi, nice to read your blog full page instead of on my cell.. Love this book, seriously I practically force it down my friends throats before they get married (its actually good I think just for relationships in general) one thing I have noticed over the years is that I think love languages can change what you think? haha my approach has sort of been to try in all of the languages cause well why not right? great book suggestion!
chelsea
May 19, 2014 at 1:02 pm
hi carey! glad you enjoyed the blog on the full page…i know the mobile site isn’t quite the same 🙂 haha love that you are forcing it down the throats of friends before they get married. i am finding myself doing the same and even for those couples that have been together forever!
i absolutely think love languages can shift and change over time. i was even thinking about how i know for a fact i probably would have had ‘quality time’ as my second but since my husband and i have started a business together…we are together A LOT and make it a point to always have good time together so that need is being filled more often. thanks for your thoughts carey!
Pingback: How Much Fun Can An Adult Have at Hershey’s Chocolate World? | the new wifestyle
Pingback: Should I Be Worried if My Husband Asks for Space? -