The Real Reason I Don’t Want A Baby (right now)

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when are you going to start having kids?!” 

this is the question that my husband and i have been asked since the moment we locked lips and sealed the deal five years ago. as each year passes, people are getting nosier and nosier about it.

The New Wifestyle

i guess they must just be excited to see our really giant, glasses-wearing children who will love harry potter? i try to come from a place that people mean well but it’s somewhat bothersome because:

a) people just assume we want kids (let’s all remember that it’s a choice to have children and just because a couple doesn’t have children does not make them bad/weird/incomplete/lacking/<insert judge-y word here>)

b) people are basically asking when we are going to have unprotected sex and that’s weird

c) i still really like margaritas so i need those for the time being

i wrote one of the most viewed articles on my blog last year about my biological clock being broken because i don’t feel any sense of urgency or overwhelming maternal desire to procreate at the current moment.

i still think about this a lot because i feel like i’m odd that i don’t have these feelings but with lots of reassurance from other women experiencing this, i have decided it’s not weird. it’s just how i feel and that’s okay.

however, i do think about babies a lot more often now because my friends around me are having some pretty cute babies!colorado soul friend

i’ve determined there are two main reasons i’m not so into having kids right now. the first is because i want more stability with our income as well as our savings beefed back up. since my husband and i started our business full time about two years ago, we pour most of our money back into it. i am also in the process of redefining what ‘stability’ means to me since entrepreneurship looks very different. i’m working on it. plus, we are going to the end of the world in two months so…(more details on that soon).

the main and selfish reason i don’t want a baby right now…i absolutely love it being just my husband and me. i feel a little uncomfortable writing about this because i realize it’s a selfish reason and i know our relationship will continue to change whether we have kids or not but right now it’s really good. i don’t want to disrupt that. i love that his attention is fully on me (and our dog a little bit).

how to take good couples pictures ryan and chelsea avery 6

i love that we have the freedom to do what we want, when we want (at least in 7-8 hour increments before our dog needs let out) and to enjoy this time when it’s the two of us.

i am also incredibly nervous of how a baby will change me, him and our relationship, because it inevitably will. change is a loaded word and i am beginning to realize it has more to do with how you react to whatever the change is than what is actually changing. it is the fear of the unknown for me, because there is nothing that can prepare you for becoming a parent and it scares me to know most everything will change.

oh and in many cases before you become a parent, that little baby has to come out of someone and it is looking like that’s up to me and not my husband so there’s that…

there is a pretty high probability that we will eventually have children but for the time being, i am happy that it is the two of us humans together. it has allowed us to continue to work on our relationship, on ourselves and figure out how our new lifestyle works.

what are your thoughts? do you/did you ever feel this way? 


  1. Monika

    September 21, 2015 at 9:50 am


    • chelsea

      September 21, 2015 at 11:47 am

      thanks for reading monika and glad i’m not alone!

  2. Jenilee

    September 21, 2015 at 9:51 am

    Todd and I are trying to have a baby now, and have been for almost a year. With the last unsuccessful month…I came to the calming realization that while I would be overjoyed with a little one. ..I am perfectly pleased with our little family (add the cats). My mother. .and society. ..not so pleased… however, they didn’t sign the marriage license. ..

    • chelsea

      September 21, 2015 at 11:51 am

      thanks so much for your comment, jenilee. i’m so glad you are having that realization of being happy with right where you are at this exact moment with your husband and cats. i will be sending you some baby-making vibes (is that weird? is that sexual? i’m not sure but they are coming your way) 🙂

  3. Elyse

    September 21, 2015 at 9:51 am

    I go through phases of baby-wanting. I’ve always known I wanted kids and fully expected to have kids by my age, but I am also LOVING just being the two of us. Like a lot. I may also be in denial about how old I am/how easy it’ll be to become pregnant so I keep saying well I still have a couple more years until I HAVE to start trying so, just enjoy this time. I suppose this whole message is to say, I’m with you. Do what you want, when you want since no one else has to live in your shoes.
    Elyse recently posted…Our (Almost) Autumn Nature Walk

    • chelsea

      September 21, 2015 at 11:57 am

      how do our minds work so similarly, sometimes elyse?! we were talking with our friends last night and i literally said “i think part of my issue is i don’t realize i’m 28 because i feel like 20 at best so there’s no rush!” it makes me so happy to hear you are loving it being just the two of your for now and that you’re also excited for the future! thanks for your words 🙂

  4. Sarah

    September 21, 2015 at 10:04 am

    Yes!!! We’ve been married 10 years and people have finally stopped asking! Unless I’m holding a baby of course and then it’s “see, isn’t he adorable, don’t you want one” and I’m like “yeah, he’s the cutest, but I’m looking forward to getting 8-10 hours of sleep tonight” haha! I never thought we’d wait this long but we really enjoy it just the two of us, and I totally agree that it’s a choice, not a given, and it’s a choice you can’t take back which will affect every day of the rest of your life so you better make sure you really want it! However, I just turned 37 so I’m starting to feel a little pressure to get on it if we’re going to.

    I will say though, you should read Taking Charge of Your Fertility now. It was really eye-opening as far as understanding the menstrual cycle in general, and really learning how getting pregnant works – it’s more than just sex! I also think we owe it to ourselves as women to understand how our bodies were designed to work. If you read it now you’ll be that much ahead of the game when the time comes instead of “wasting” the first 6-12 months just winging it, ya know? You can also be a resource for friends; even though I haven’t had kids yet, I was the go-to for a couple of friends when they had questions because they knew I knew stuff. Sorry for the novel, I just love that book and recommend it to all women!

    • chelsea

      September 21, 2015 at 12:01 pm

      wow, they’ve finally stopped asking sarah?! i’m impressed. haha love your comment about getting 8-10 hours of sleep haaaaa. it’s totally a choice that will change the rest of your life and there is not take-backsies!

      thank you so much for that book recommendation, totally just put a hold on it at the library so thank you. i am completely fascinated (and sort of freaked out) by pregnancy so looking forward to getting my hands on this. thank you!

      • Sarah

        September 21, 2015 at 3:38 pm

        Don’t freak out when you see it, it’s kind of a thick book but a big chunk is about menopause and some misc. appendixes so you can skip those, haha! She totally writes in a way that makes it easy to understand too, I remember being in awe of the intricate way our bodies work, and also thinking “oh good, that’s normal”! Hormone health/balance is key to fertility (and overall health in general) so another book I’d recommend if you’re interested is Woman Code. Both of these books are more geared towards natural methods of birth control, but even if you’re not into that, they’ve got so much good information!

        Totally normal to be freaked out about pregnancy (birth!), especially in this day and age where the media portrayal can make it seem so horrific. Knowledge is absolutely the way to combat that fear, and it’s never too early to start learning instead of trying to cram in all into 9 months. I’m so fascinated by it all, I actually started doula training a couple of years ago but ultimately decided the on-call life was not for me, but I still love the topic! Obviously, since I won’t shut up about it 😛

        • chelsea

          September 21, 2015 at 5:21 pm

          haha thanks for the warning, sarah! thanks for the other recommendation too, checking it out now. love that you are so passionate about this, appreciate it and other people are reading your comment and suggestions so thank you!

    • Melinda

      September 24, 2015 at 5:35 pm

      I’ve also read Taking Charge of Your Fertility, back when we were trying to get pregnant. It’s a brilliant book, and should be required reading for all women. Totally recommend it to everyone!

      • chelsea

        September 25, 2015 at 7:31 am

        oh this is making me VERY excited to read it! glad you loved it too melinda!

      • chelsea

        September 29, 2015 at 12:04 pm

        just picked it up and omg it’s huge.

  5. Rose

    September 21, 2015 at 10:04 am

    So a million years ago when I was in my late 20’s my husband at the time and I spent his inheritance on Mac computers and IVF. $30k to be exact and no babies. Perhaps it was the Universe telling me “Rose, you really don’t want babies even though you like them.” And so it was. No babies. My infertility was a secret relief to me and heartbreak to my mother. I would have been a hip, cool mom for sure but it never happened. I have been told I was selfish for waiting and that I missed my window. How could I deny my parent’s their grandparentness. Who would take care of me when I was old? I don’t think you are were I was. Not really wanting them at all. I see a smart woman for looking at the big picture rather than the small picture. You and the hubby will know the right time for YOU. And no one else. Not having kids if the most unselfish thing to do for you both right now. Kudos on being honest and conflicted. It will make the moment more sweeter when it arrives.
    Rose recently posted…Dressing Like A Current Leader

    • chelsea

      September 21, 2015 at 12:04 pm

      wow rose, i so appreciate you sharing your experience and thoughts on this. i am so sorry that people have called you selfish for ‘waiting too long’ and especially from people near and dear to you. it sounds like everything has worked out just the way it was meant to be (which i also need to have remember is probably happening right this moment for me too).

      thanks for your kind words – i appreciate you taking the time to share on this rose!

  6. Erin @ Very Erin

    September 21, 2015 at 10:13 am

    I totally get all of this! My husband and I just got married a few months ago and have already had people asking. We’re only 25 and even my new in-laws made a comment about how soon they’ll have more grandchildren because we’ll have a baby. WHAT?! Not a chance! I love our life just my husband and I. I know we’ll have kids some day, but I want to be selfish together for a few years.
    Erin @ Very Erin recently posted…How to Drive Traffic to Your Blog With StumbleUpon

    • chelsea

      September 21, 2015 at 12:07 pm

      congratulations on your marriage, erin! it’s totally nuts how soon after it starts, isn’t it? we are 28 so i also still feel like we’ve got some time peeeeople (of course who knows what may happen if/when we start trying)! i can tell you from at least my experience that i have so cherished the 8 years (5 married) that my husband and i have had just the two of us. we have learned so much about life/marriage/ourselves/one another and for that i’m grateful. glad you are taking advantage of that too 🙂

  7. Emma Lincoln

    September 21, 2015 at 10:27 am

    Thank you thank you thank you for writing this. Have-a-baby-asap pressure is crazy-making and we need more people like you writing about it 🙂
    Emma Lincoln recently posted…Starving artists should buy houses

    • chelsea

      September 21, 2015 at 12:09 pm

      thaaaank you emma for your comment! there is a weird baby-ASAP pressure thing that happens and it’s not always so helpful. appreciate your comment and letting me know i’m not alone 🙂

  8. Amberly

    September 21, 2015 at 10:28 am

    I think those are both great reasons for not getting pregnant right now! I know you read my posts on marriage with a baby, and you’re right, it completely and totally disrupts everything! But when that little one goes to bed at night, other than the noise of the sound machine coming through the monitor and a few baby related items lying around, it’s like we’re just the two of us (and our dog) again, except a little bit more exhausted!
    You do whatever is right for you, no pressure here, but know that when you do decide to have kids, it’s a huge change and take a lot of adjusting, but you can prepare for that (to an extent) and the rewards of being parents are so great!
    Amberly recently posted…15 Date Night Ideas for Parents, No Babysitter Required!

    • chelsea

      September 21, 2015 at 2:14 pm

      thanks amberly for your comment and i always appreciate your honest posts about how it’s changed your marriage but also how it adds to it 🙂 right you are that we can prepare to some extent (though i have be careful not to stay in that stage forever says my husband – ha)!

  9. Kate

    September 21, 2015 at 10:31 am

    I’m always surprised how people can be so nosy–and this is coming from a girl who grew up in the south, where your business is everyone’s business! It is a personal choice, and it needs to be done on your time, not anyone else’s. My husband and I waited a few years, and now we’re expecting our first! I’m happy that we waited, happy for all the trips we’ve been able to take together, and of course, happy that we got to spend at least three years doting on our sweet goldendoodle. Also, I want to add that I’m reading this book called “Bringing up Bebe” which is an American’s observations on french parenting. I really like that the French don’t see motherhood as this huge sacrifice where you basically can’t enjoy adult things anymore. It keeps the parents sane, and it teaches the child that the world doesn’t revolve around them. I’ve told my husband about this– I think it will be important for us to continue to take time for ourselves, especially because we want our children to see what a healthy relationship looks like. Lastly, now that this comment has become a novel, I miss alcohol very much. I know I’m supposed to be this noble, glowing person who is smug and is all like “this is so worth it for the baby,” but my job is stressful and I miss that glass of wine that helps me relax in the evening–anytime I get a whiff of cab sauv I feel a little sad.
    Kate recently posted…Styling the Bump: Part 1

    • chelsea

      September 21, 2015 at 2:21 pm

      first of all, i’m SO glad you commented and left your blog kate because i love “life as a power couple” can’t wait to stalk you…i mean read your blog 🙂

      huge congratulations on expecting your first baby – yay! totally going to check out the book you recommended too, sounds interesting and couldn’t agree more about still keeping your marriage as the priority because that allows for being better parents/family.

      thanks also kate for keeping it real about missing booze! i think i’ll be the same as you…
      chelsea recently posted…The Real Reason I Don’t Want A Baby (right now)

      • Samantha O'Neil

        September 24, 2015 at 4:59 am

        Thanks to both of you for the blog posts 🙂 I am in the exact same situation: pregnant with my first one, reading ‘Bringing up Bebe’ (which is an idea from my partner Joe: he’s American and I’m French) and so missing my daily glass of wine with dinner (sauv Blanc for me) – although I am half Amerxican too, you can’t take the French out of this girl 🙂 and I also indulge in just a little bit of it once in a while !
        Thanks Chelsea for talking about this constant pressure – not just from family, but friends and society as well ! When you think of the change ahead, I think only the couple can tell when they’re ready (and even then realizing you are never fully prepared).
        Make it a great day, Ladies !

        • chelsea

          September 24, 2015 at 7:52 am

          congratulations on your upcoming baby, samantha!! i feel like a sip here and there is totally acceptable! i appreciate you reading and for your thoughts on this. the pressure can feel constant! hope you have a great day too!

        • Kate

          October 2, 2015 at 12:18 pm

          Glad I’m not the only one missing wine! And I’m very tempted to have a small glass of champagne to celebrate the new year…I’ll only be about four weeks away from my due date, but I’m too scared to try! I’ve really enjoyed reading Bringing up Bebe, I definitely plan to try out a lot of the tips from the book, but who knows if I’ll be able to stick with it!
          Kate recently posted…A Happiness Post

      • Kate

        October 2, 2015 at 12:15 pm

        I’m realizing I should probably click “notify of followup comments.” Come on over and stalk (I mean, read my blog) anytime!
        Kate recently posted…A Happiness Post

  10. Veronica

    September 21, 2015 at 10:40 am

    Yes! This is al last exactly how I feel!

  11. Brian

    September 21, 2015 at 10:49 am

    Touche Chelsea – we’ve all felt those pressures, but you have to stay true to yourself and make the best choice for you and Avery. Kids are fantastic, but your life will change in many ways, and you are not underestimating the impact. You’re courageous for sharing your feelings on this topic, especially when knowing that many of your readers are the same people who probably encourage you to “do it”. Most of us parents have felt those same feelings at one point or another. You’ll be great parents, when your time comes, and you decide when that is.

    • chelsea

      September 21, 2015 at 2:30 pm

      i appreciate your comment brian 🙂 thanks for also saying i’m not underestimating the impact, that makes me feel less crazy about the whole situation! haha it’s been great to see the discussion happening on this, i’m surprised by so many readers feeling like i do (and also yes…there are those TM that alllways ask too).

      thanks for your vote of confidence in our parenting 🙂 i’m excited for it…just not right this second!

  12. Audrey

    September 21, 2015 at 10:51 am

    I love how popular this post is 🙂 I like your reason #2 about why the “kids” question disturbs you. Like, especially when it comes from my parents. Ummm… how long did y’all spend telling me NOT to have unprotected sex?! Hahaha!

    We will officially enter our 3rd year of marriage without a kid. (Yes, I counted 9 months from now to figure that out.) I am 100% happy with our family of four (two dogs). I want kids and I see them in our near future, but I am so happy with the “now” and that makes me very excited but also patient for the future. People have actually started asking us less when we are having kids (unless I’m cuddling my “niece”). I think it’s because they assume we will soon. Only my close friends really ask, and it’s not because they’re nosy, they just want to know what’s new in my life. Lol

    (And I totally second Sarah about that book! I’m actually reading it now, recommended by my friend that just had Elliot!)
    Audrey recently posted…My Number 1 has Type 1

    • chelsea

      September 21, 2015 at 2:37 pm

      me too! i’m shocked and thrilled because it sounds like multiple people feel this AND getting great resources for reading! of course, i always appreciate your thoughts audrey especially when they make me snort water almost out of my nose about parents and unprotected sex. HA!

      love that you second that book that sarah recommended, it’s on my hold list from the library!

  13. Amanda

    September 21, 2015 at 11:59 am

    I think it makes total sense and you have every right to make that decision for yourself without other people butting into your biz-nass. Ugh, that gets so old.
    Amanda recently posted…The Best FREE Stock Images

    • chelsea

      September 21, 2015 at 2:40 pm

      thaaaanks amanda! it sure does get old and i try to remember most people are just excited when they ask but i’m also like ughhh there is more to us than just baby-making jeeez 🙂

  14. Brittany

    September 21, 2015 at 12:22 pm

    I feel you girl! I often wonder if my biological clock is broken as well. Right now life is too exciting to have the urge to be strapped down by a child. At least that’s how I feel about it right now. I appreciate your honesty in this post because it’s something lots of women are going through
    Brittany recently posted…Work Week Chic: Lawyer Linkup

    • chelsea

      September 21, 2015 at 2:41 pm

      you said it so well brittany with how i’m feeling “life is too exciting” i feel that way too! thank you for your comment and for reading, posts like these make me nervous but i think it can help to ‘normalize’ certain things!

  15. Justine

    September 21, 2015 at 12:23 pm


    I feel the entrepreneurship and stability aspect. I also read a couple of blogs where entrepreneurs were happy to wait, like here:

    • chelsea

      September 21, 2015 at 2:45 pm

      thanks for sharing that blog, justine! “I can’t help but feel elated that a combination of mother nature and our general apathy toward parenthood led to a nine-year delay in conception.” love that line and there is a point that (if up to you) there are better/worse times to have a kid if you are in control! thank you 🙂

  16. Suzanne

    September 21, 2015 at 1:09 pm

    I think it’s REALLY important to have this conversation before you get married. For example, what if you do want to have kids in four years and you have infertility issues? Are you prepared to financially pay for in vitro? A surrogate? Adoption? You will never be prepared for the heartache that goes along with “not being able to have what you want when you want it.” Sometimes it’s a low sperm count. How will you support your husband? And then there are the dreaded miscarriages. I had two before my daughter was born and seven between her and her brother. It’s no one’s business but your own to decide whether or not to have children, but don’t take fertility for granted. This article does a really god job of explaining it.

    • chelsea

      September 21, 2015 at 2:58 pm

      suzanne, i truly appreciate you sharing a piece of you here and i am so sorry about the miscarriages you had during your process of having the two beautiful children i’m lucky enough to know. i think you are absolutely right that these conversations about family planning need to occur BEFORE marriage and then also realize that things are most likely going to change too. you just never know.

      thank you for sharing that article, it’s interesting to see the different studies concluding first baby at 34 and last baby by 35 – ha! but the article does make some great points and appreciate your thoughts here!

  17. Marilyn Jess

    September 21, 2015 at 2:07 pm

    Hi Chelsea,
    It is incredibly brave of you to write about this topic. No, you are not weird. I actually read somewhere recently that people in your age range are more reluctant to have children than previous generations. There are many reasons for this, not just the uncertain economy.
    I always knew children were not in the cards for me. As a noted psychologist has said, if one person in a couple says no, that means it’s the deciding vote. If I had made the other choice, my plan was to wait five years after marriage. I have never regretted my choice. It says a lot about the other partner if he or she accepts this choice, and loves you enough to accept it. If and when, you will make the choice because you truly want it. We are fortunate as women in the USA to have this free choice.

    • chelsea

      September 21, 2015 at 3:01 pm

      hi marilyn! thank you for reading and for sharing your thoughts on this topic. you are so right that we are fortunate to be women in the USA to have this free choice – absolutely!

      i’m glad that you were able to make the right choice for you and knowing you can have a fulfilling and happy life by choosing this! i definitely think partners need to discuss this and i can only imagine how hard that would be if a couple wasn’t on the same page (i have a small bit of that experience with my husband being much more ready than me at this moment 🙂 ) thanks for your thoughts!

  18. Heather Hawkins

    September 21, 2015 at 3:18 pm

    I think it comes to the idea of people making “small talk.” They ask all these awkward questions because they are “supposed to” and its “polite.” Neither is true. They don’t ask them as often here. They still ask them though.

    Also, Aiden taught me about the “Fantastic Rule.” The Golden Rule is all fine and good but its focus is still on the speaker. What would THEY want if THEY were you. Not useful in sensitive situations. They are not you. They don’t have your experiences or your emotions. So the Fantastic Rule is where they think about what YOU would want because you ARE you.
    Heather Hawkins recently posted…Drowning

    • chelsea

      September 21, 2015 at 5:20 pm

      you are so right, heather! i hadn’t thought about it in terms of small talk – so awkward. glad they don’t ask as often in australia.

      love ‘the fantastic rule’ and that aiden shared it with you! it’s fantastic. i heard something similar in social work school about the ‘platinum rule’ as treating someone as THEY want to be treated (this was discussed in terms of racial and cultural differences). i like it allll

    • Paula Howley

      September 21, 2015 at 11:54 pm

      I think the small talk may actually be one of the main factors- at least with people who don’t know each other as well anyway- just looking for common ground, may as well be talkin’ about the weather.
      Paula Howley recently posted…We’re looking for a Few Good Kids

  19. Emily Campbell

    September 21, 2015 at 6:10 pm

    i love this post! i am in the 3rd month of having a newborn and my oh my how things have changed. my husband and i spent 5 and a half amazing years together without a baby. a little part of me misses him and our previous life everyday. don’t get me wrong, having a cute little squishy human is probably one of the coolest things we will ever do. i love him more and more everyday. i also love my husband more and more everyday because of how he is with the baby. i think there’s a huge shift in how we identify ourselves the moment a baby is born. it’s been a tricky thing to own, as i liked myself quite a bit before 🙂 enjoy the time you have right now! i’ve been telling my newly pregnant friends to spend time with your husband, go on lots of dates, get lots of sleep – because after baby that time will be completely different. do you girl! babies are great and cute (incredible little humans that are made from you and your husbands DNA), but there’s a lot to life outside of procreating that’s wonderful/fulfilling/joyful/. don’t let anyone let you think differently!

    also, i know i’ve never posted on your blog before – but i just had to for this one 🙂 i went to middle/high school with ryan (sorry for being a total stalker). i love your blog and read your posts often!

    • chelsea

      September 22, 2015 at 1:11 pm

      thanks so much for your comment, emily and congratulations on your new baby! i also appreciate you being honest that sometimes you miss that previous life but at the same time you love seeing him with your baby.

      i think you are spot on too (though i don’t have experience with that new title as of now) with how you identify once you become a parent! i am so glad you commented and you are so not a stalker…i’m just an oversharer! so happy you read this blog and i’m sure it’s totally weird to see middle school ryan growing up (i’ve seen photos HA) 🙂

  20. Jim Key

    September 21, 2015 at 6:28 pm

    Hey there Chelsea,

    While still at the hospital following the arrival of my THIRD child (first daughter), people asked us “So…are you going to have more?” Yeah…they really did.

    My response…”Why don’t you leave us alone? We don’t have anything to prove to you!”

    Though my situations then is different from yours now, you have my permission to use that quote if you so desire. And if it helps you escape some flack, you can add a “Jim Key said” to the front of it. 😉

    • chelsea

      September 22, 2015 at 1:12 pm

      thanks for your comment jim and i cannot believe that people said that to you riiiiight as you were holding a fresh one in your arms! love your response of not having to prove anything to anyone! thanks for the permission of using the quote too – ha 🙂

  21. Deborah Durkis

    September 21, 2015 at 7:27 pm

    While my husband & I were as ready as you could be to have children, we still wish we had waited longer to enjoy each other & establish ourselves financially. Enjoy each other & travel but remember if you’re waiting for that perfect time, it will never happen. Also be aware that children take energy – a lot of energy – and the younger you are the easier it is to keep up.

    • Paula Howley

      September 22, 2015 at 12:05 am

      Everything she said. I wish Lloyd and I had met sooner and had more time together but I was already 37 when we married. My eggs were scrambling themselves.
      I didn’t feel this crazy emotional urge to procreate either- I just knew it was an experience that I wanted to have.
      You are so freakin’ lucky to have the man you do Chels because you know he’ll be nursing as often as you do if given the chance. I see Ryan getting up in the middle of the night, changing, making sure you are well cared for. Most women don’t have men who are prepared to give as much as they can – when it does happen, it’s the difference between night and day.

      I’m glad you’re taking the time to do what you want to do and to know each other as well as you do.
      when you get to that point, you’ll see that there was a whole other level of knowledge of each other that I think can only be had when you become a family. It’s pretty mind blowing.
      also, the energy thing. Having a baby at 38 (and not in great shape) was tough. I should have prepped myself by being stronger physically.
      And bottom line- it’s your life. I think you should tell the strangers to literally go fuck themselves so they can make their own baby. 🙂
      Paula Howley recently posted…Official Skank

      • chelsea

        September 22, 2015 at 1:16 pm

        well now i am picturing a little chef in your ovaries scrambling your eggs, paula 🙂 thanks for also sharing you didn’t have a super emotional urge to procreate either.

        so right you are that i have a partner that is so very willing and ready to be a dad (and a freaking fantastic one at that!)

        haaaaaa i love your response of how i should respond to strangers question hahaha thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience on this!

    • chelsea

      September 22, 2015 at 1:14 pm

      thank you for your comment deborah! agreed that there is no perfect time and i don’t think that’s what i’m looking for because i know it won’t happen (though i can see why people would try at ‘attain’that). true about kids taking lots of energy…i already as a pretty low-energy lady so hopefully my super high energy husband can balance it out!

  22. brittany

    September 22, 2015 at 7:51 am

    I completely agree with you, and if you think you are broken.. then I am really broken. If my husband and I were to accidentally have children, my only solace comes from the fact that my husband is very nurturing and will be there with me. We too want to be more stable financially and as a couple. I am getting my PhD and work all the time and my husband is a professional golfer who only has off Mondays (a day of course that I work). We also both travel for work quite a bit but not together. Many of my colleagues have children and are fine, I we have just decided that this was not the way we wanted to start out family. Also, I completely agree that it getting increasingly strange and frustrating when people ask why I haven’t had children yet. I have a beautiful nephew and many friends with kids.. so we can play and then I can give them back, which is enough for now.

    • chelsea

      September 22, 2015 at 1:19 pm

      thanks for sharing your experience with this brittany! i cannot imagine getting a PhD and working all the time! i also didn’t know your husband was a professional golfer (you totally need to do a wifestyle profile!)

      i’m glad the two of you are able to have these conversations to know currently this isn’t the situation you want to start a family in and that’s totally okay. i don’t think we are broken, just women who are okay with loving on those friends and family members’ babies!

  23. Corinne

    September 22, 2015 at 9:59 am

    My husband and I are in the same situation! We just celebrated our 3rd anniversary, we have our dog and we are happy with it just being 2.5 of us for now. We openly admit that we are being selfish about it, but the reality is if we are okay with waiting another year because we want to go on this really awesome vacation, we aren’t ready to bring a life into the world. Bravo for writing about what many other women feel. This time is precious in a new marriage and for me personally, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

    • chelsea

      September 22, 2015 at 1:21 pm

      happy 3rd anniversary corinne!!! i think that’s great that you have a really awesome vacation planned – how fun! agreed that time is precious in a new marriage and i’m so grateful for it! through some other commenters i’m realizing we aren’t necessarily selfish but just doing what works and feels right to us!

  24. Courtney!

    September 22, 2015 at 12:28 pm

    I just can’t imagine myself as a mom. I can’t imagine having to wake up in the middle of the night. I like traveling and drinking and having neither of those in moderation.
    I do want to have kids someday. And I think I want 3 or 4 or 5. But I can barely handle cleaning the litterbox and sometimes dirty dishes sit in our sink when we go away on vacation. And each time we plan a trip, we try to pick something we won’t be able to do when we do have kids.. and then we think of 20 other things.
    I don’t really know where this comment is going. But basically stop asking me when I’m having kids because I’m not responsible enough and I’m too selfish right now. Hoping to figure this out in the next year or two (thought this time last year we said we would start trying in October 2015)… but ooo! Italy.. I’ve never been to Italy. And you need to drink wine in Italy (duh).
    Courtney! recently posted…The Chile Caper: Santiago

    • chelsea

      September 22, 2015 at 1:26 pm

      i totaaaaally know what you mean about not being able to imagine all these things as mom, courtney! i feel you that traveling without moderation (beautiful sentence). we have also played that game of maybe we’ll start trying during this month and that month rolls around (like now) and i’m like ahhhhh no thank you.

      oh seriously…italy…i need to go there too!

  25. Elizabeth T

    September 22, 2015 at 4:01 pm

    Yes! My hubs and I were talking about this not so long ago and these are exactly the things he brought up. (so you’re definitely completely normal!) I have to say that as much as I’ve always wanted kiddos I do feel really anxious because I also really love the place we’re in now as a married couple and babies tend to change the rest of your life haha. Thanks so much for writing this post–it’s so assuring to hear that other people struggle with this issue a little bit and it’s not just us!
    Elizabeth T recently posted…Finding Ways to Connect during a Long-Distance Relationship

    • chelsea

      September 24, 2015 at 7:54 am

      babies totally change the reeeeest of your life! i appreciate you reading and for your comment elizabeth! it’s helpful to know others feel this same way so high fives for us 🙂

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  27. Anne

    September 24, 2015 at 11:30 am

    Neither of my daughters will be having children and I applaude their decisions and the courage it takes to admit it in a world that puts so much pressure on women to have babies. A recent study found the single most influential factor in an adults”misery index”is having children.

    Having children puts a woman at great risk for living in poverty. I had a great upper middle class life until keeping a sick child alive cost all our financial resources.

    It is a huge and hugely private decision and I think you are smart and brave to put it off. Kudos for your self awareness!

    • chelsea

      September 28, 2015 at 3:15 pm

      thanks for sharing that, anne and they are so lucky to have a mother that is applauding them for making a choice that is right for them!

      thanks for your kind words and i’m so sorry to hear about one of your children being so sick and costing so much. i hope things are better

  28. Anne P

    September 25, 2015 at 4:49 am

    I’m almost 50 and my husband and I waited almost 6 years before having kids. I wouldn’t trade that time together for anything (although I find at times I’m a little jealous of friends our age who are now have empty nests!)

    Having kids is a big deal. It DOES change everything. Like being married, some parts are good/fun/easy and some are hard. I also wouldn’t trade my awesome boys for anything either, but I am glad we waited. Our relationship is very strong and we look forward to the days when it’s just the two of us again. I think that has a lot to do with the relationship we took time to build before adding kids to the mix.

    Too bad people can’t mind their own business and just let everyone else be. 🙂

    • chelsea

      September 28, 2015 at 3:16 pm

      thank you anne for sharing what it’s been like for you! i think you are right…like most things there are highs and lows of it all. glad to hear that your relationship is still strong (really appreciate hearing that)!

  29. Judi S

    September 27, 2015 at 7:18 am

    Congratulations on having the courage to write about such a personal topic. It must have taken a lot of time and effort to be open to sharing something so private. The choice to have children is a personal one and the reasons are no one’s business but yours and your partners. Parents are well meaning when they ask when you are having a baby but mostly that is because they absolutely love holding and cuddling a baby, watching those first steps, hearing those first words and being able to relax with their grandchildren in a way they never could with their own children. They do not have the responsibility but we do get all the benefits lol. You would be surprised at how many parents actually understand the decision not to have children. We may have our wish list but it is just that, a wish list lol. What we really and truly want is for our children to be happy and satisfied with their lives and….. call home more often lol…..we miss you even if we are back to enjoying our time as a couple again. The only pressure you should be feeling, if any at all, is what you put on yourself, no one else matters…. well your near and dear ones matter but not enough to allow it to add any pressure lol. Revisit the idea often and I don’t mean dwell on it, and your first reaction is most likely the right one for the two of you.
    If you ‘accidently’ become pregnant it is not the end of something but the beginning of a new chapter. Embrace it with all your heart and soul and you will be just fine. We as humans have this amazing ability to adjust to almost anything lol.

    • chelsea

      September 29, 2015 at 12:03 pm

      thanks for your comment and thoughts judi! good point about grandparents wanting to relax in a way they never good with their own children – i hadn’t thought of that. right you are about all the benefits but a different sort of responsibility 🙂 agreed about revisiting the idea often and trying not to dwell on it. love what you said about we humans are adjustable – we shall see what happens in the future! appreciate you sharing a piece of you!

  30. Nina @ Hugs and Lattes

    September 27, 2015 at 8:02 pm

    I think you are definitely a-okay with your reasonings! Living in the South and going to a small Christian college, it’s like everybody is getting married and having babies one year later. When Pai and I first started dating I didn’t want kids at all, but the more we grow together the more I can see us having a family- but I definitely want to enjoy the first 2, or 4, or 5 years of marriage with just the two of us before we have big eyed afro children running around. (That’s my stipulation: I desperately want my future children to have Afros.)
    Nina @ Hugs and Lattes recently posted…Crying Over my Nachos

    • chelsea

      September 29, 2015 at 12:00 pm

      thanks for your comment, nina!! it’s funny how as relationships progress, our thoughts and ideas on what we want do too! i’m glad you are wanting to spend some time just enjoying each other a few years after marriage – it has really helped us build a solid foundation. is it weird that i’m really excited to see your future children with afros too? because i do.

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  32. Melzie at Ribbons and Rotor Blades

    September 28, 2015 at 3:19 pm

    Yes!!!!!! Now, I’m that girl who has dreamt of being a mom forever. I’ve had baby fever for a long time. Loooonnnng time. But I did want to wait a few years post-wedding for a baby. My husband and I dated for 5 years, all long distance. I wanted a “normal” relationship for a while. But it’s crazy you wrote this because I have a post similar to this!! Once I got pregnant, I started getting scared about how it would change things. Not everyone’s marriage flourishes after a baby. Some struggle. A baby can change both individuals. It’s not always amazing like many say it is. I was confident we’d be okay since things were amazing pre-baby. But a small part of me was worried. What if we drifted apart? What if we fought a lot over parenting and responsibilities? What if we lash out because we’re tired and frustrated? All those what ifs. THEN once Jaxon arrived, I realized my time with Nick was shared. And I’ll be honest. I didn’t like it. I loved Jaxon, but I missed my uninterrupted cuddle sessions. I missed having him all to myself. It was an adjustment and we had to work and communicate about this and how to make sure we have “us” time, especially since we have no family to help out and give us a break. But after a month, we figured it out and things were great and I don’t feel those selfish, “I want him all to myself” feelings.
    I think you’re feelings are totally normal! At least, you know one other person was “selfish” haha

    • chelsea

      September 29, 2015 at 11:57 am

      oh melzie – i so appreciate your honesty in this comment. i realllly do. looking forward to also reading your post! i’m glad to hear it’s been an adjustment but one that is feeling a bit more settled now. i am glad you have both worked on how to communicate, making time for just the two of you and figuring out how to parent after jaxon was born. thanks for sharing this!!

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