How To Stop Feeling Jealous In Your Relationship

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jealousy, especially romantic jealousy is something that many people and couples struggle with in their relationships. there is a common misconception that jealousy is linked to being deeply in love and that is not the case. this will touch on how to stop feeling jealous in your relationship.

i was having a conversation the other day with someone and telling her how amusing it was when we were in china, women were constantly telling my husband how sexy and handsome he is. they were also very comfortable telling me that he is one of the most good looking men they had ever laid eyes on. after finishing this story, the woman asked me how jealous i got over it.

i gave a funny look and told her that not a single ounce of me felt jealousy in that situation. she let me know how rare she thinks that is, especially in between people in a relationship.

now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like i have my whole life figured out over here or that my husband and i don’t struggle with other martial issues (like asking for space), but jealousy has never been one of them.

jealousy isn't love

when i asked my husband about this, he agreed that he rarely gets jealous. we both brought up a few situations where we felt a twinge of it, but for the most part it doesn’t exist for us.

before you think we are some sort of weird robotic couple that doesn’t feel the spectrum of human emotions, let’s backtrack to the unhealthy relationship i had before i met my husband. i was constantly jealous and it was a fun game to try and toe the line to make my ex-boyfriend jealous. we also broke up/got back together at least 5 times over the course of our three year relationship so you can see that there may have been some drama involved. i had/have a lot of unlearning to do to be in a healthy relationship.

my ex would conveniently drop a line in a conversation of “oh yeah – shelia came up to me and told me she loved my hair and thought i looked gooood today.” that would immediately make me feel like i had to ‘get back at him’ so maybe i’d flirt with a guy for just a liiiiittle too long in front of him or something like that. super healthy, i know.

i share this with you because i understand what it feels like on both sides. i can also assure how the grass is really greener (but not with envy) on this side when you feel secure and jealousy-free in your relationship.

as i was doing research for this article, i ran across this post from psychology today and it listed 6 key factors of why people feel jealous.

the ones that caught my attention for why we feel jealous are low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy in your relationship and too much dependence on your partner.

this got me thinking about the difference between the overall unhealthy relationship i had with my ex and the healthy marriage that i work on daily with my husband now. not only that, but i’ve been reflecting on how i’ve changed as a person too.

why i felt jealousy with my ex:

  • unhealthy way of communicating about almost all topics
  • we both thought this was a sign of passion to get the other person to feel jealous
  • i had severely low self-confidence in my appearance and who i was as a person
  • i felt like i could do better because i knew it was unhealthy on some level
  • i didn’t trust what he would do when he wasn’t with me
  • it was thrilling to make him jealous

why i don’t feel jealously with my husband:

  • we work on communication daily to make sure we are both being heard and understood
  • i trust him 100%. no joke, it’s 100%. the thought of him being unfaithful to me has never crossed my mind and it’s not something i ever worry about when we are apart
  • we’ve both been in relationships where jealousy was a thing and we hated it and don’t want it in ours
  • we both believe we “married-up” and there isn’t anyone else out there that would be more compatible for either of us
  • i am confident in who i am as a woman and who i am as a wife
  • we openly talk about situations and feelings we have so it gives reassurance to each other that we are sharing our true feelings

i still do get jealous in other areas of my life when it comes to blogging, our business, fitness, etc. but i’m working on it. it boils down to ME needing to feel capable in who i am as a person in those other areas but in terms of my marriage, i feel solid.

here are 5 ways on how to stop feeling jealous in your relationship:

1) acknowledge you feel this and want to change it

if you want to change something about yourself or about your life, you first need to acknowledge it. you need to know why you don’t want to feel this way anymore and are ready to do something about it.

2) figure out reality vs. made-up

our minds are powerful tools so be conscious of what you are thinking. are your feelings of jealousy validated by their actions or rather fears that exist in your own mind? remind yourself not to believe everything you think or make up.

3) trust one another fully

unless there has been evidence of infidelity or larger reasons why you no longer trust your partner, believe fully that they want to be with you. if you do struggle with deeper issues of trust, i’d recommend seeing a marriage or relationship counselor to help you work through it. otherwise, trust fully and completely in your partner’s love for your and their actions.

4) list all the reasons you are awesome

self-esteem plays a huge part of why we feel jealous so sometimes we just need a friendly reminder that we rock. i do this by listing all of the things i once thought impossible but did them anyway. you have to work on feeling confident in who you are as a person and partner and know that you are worthy of love in your relationship.

5) let your partner know you’re working on this

it’s important to share with your partner that you are working on ridding jealousy from your relationship so they can help hold you accountable. this is also an opportunity to talk openly and respectfully if there are actions that either of you do that you would like to change.

i know this is a tough topic to talk about but what are your experiences with jealousy? how do you deal with? how do you get over? what do you or others around you struggle with?

jealousy isn't love



  1. Amanda

    January 19, 2015 at 10:58 am

    Great topic! I’ve never had jealousy in my relationship, but one thing I do struggle with is comparison. Like, comparing my marriage to others and being jealous of what other couples do that we don’t. I constantly have to remind myself that is toxic thinking and be happy with who we are and what we have, and that no two marriages are alike and should ever be compared. That’s a whole separate post though!
    Amanda recently posted…What happens when you go off the pill

    • chelsea

      January 19, 2015 at 1:10 pm

      thanks for your thoughts on this, amanda! oh those dang comparisons, i feel that with other relationships sometimes too. thanks for bringing that up. agreed that no two marriages are alike and shouldn’t be compared PLUS people usually only share the happier times so we don’t know what all goes on during those heated couples arguments we all have.

  2. Amanda Wood

    January 19, 2015 at 10:59 am

    This is perfect. I have actually been working on my own jealousy, and I feel like Hubs could do the same. Thank you for sharing this!
    Amanda Wood recently posted…A Grateful Blogiversary Giveaway!

    • chelsea

      January 19, 2015 at 1:12 pm

      so happy to hear you are working on your own things with jealousy, amanda! it does take time (i can attest to that) but once you feel secure in your self and relationship, it’s so much better to put that energy towards positive things that are a part of your life. thanks for sharing!

  3. Vivien

    January 19, 2015 at 1:32 pm

    I can relate a lot to Amanda, I’ve constantly compared my relationships with others too, in an effort to ask myself if this is “normal” or the like.

    I do want to say I see a difference in the two scenario’s presented. Your ex-boyfriend was constantly telling you (being the only source) of so and so thinking he was good looking. Whereas in China, they were telling BOTH yourself and your husband how good-looking he is. Somehow the situation feels slightly different to me because now there’s a little more openness coming from the third party, if that makes sense.

    I do think it’s extremely empowering and shows off your great confidence (in yourself, in the other person, in the relationship) when there’s no jealousy there.
    Vivien recently posted…Speaker’s Showcase: The Morning After

    • chelsea

      January 20, 2015 at 10:37 am

      ohh good point of the whole ‘is this normal in a relationships?’ comparison. i’ve been there too and recently i’ve started coming to terms with the answer of ‘nope, probably not but it sure works for us!’ that’s a good observation of the differences i presented, vivien! they are somewhat different.

      i could have shared another story where ravery was at a party (i wasn’t there) and a woman accidentally stepped on his foot. when she turned around to apologize she said “oh why HELLO to you.” and then gave a wink. ha! i still didn’t feel jealous although i wasn’t there when he told me the story because again i have confidence in myself and him!
      chelsea recently posted…7 Fun Date Ideas in Portland, Oregon!

  4. Rachel G

    January 19, 2015 at 3:35 pm

    I think complete trust, as you said, is a really key factor. And just simply having a healthy relationship where you feel safe. We are so not jealous, even to the point where maybe we ought to be. I like to tell a funny story about a year ago when I went to a dance with my family while Angel was at work and got asked out by a polite young man. So many people respond with, “Oh man, was Angel mad when he found out?” And I’m like…”No, he thought it was the most hilarious thing ever and he wished he could have heard me awkwardly trying to let the guy down easy.”
    For me on the other hand, back before we were married, Angel asked me how I felt about him working in a majority women’s field (nursing). At the two hospitals he’s worked at, about 85% of his coworkers have been women, and he wanted to know before we got married if I thought I could handle that, because the thought of him working with all women was a big issue for his ex. My response was, “I think you’re smart enough to know the difference between a coworker and a wife.” 😉
    Rachel G recently posted…Hometown To-Do List

    • chelsea

      January 20, 2015 at 10:39 am

      another fantastic point of feeling like you are safe and healthy in your relationship too, rachel! smart lady 🙂 haha that’s a fantastic story of angel wishing he could have been there to hear you letting the other guy down instead of being upset or mad!

      you officially win for saying the comment ‘i think you’re smart enough to know the difference between a coworker and a wife!” i like you more and more!

  5. Audrey

    January 20, 2015 at 6:11 am

    Jealousy is so toxic. I also trust my hubby 100%. He’s the only man I want to share everything with and I know I’m the only girl in his life. I, too, struggle with comparing our relationship to others. That brings out an obsessive, ugly jealousy that I hate. I’ve been working on extinguishing that. Another issue is during those occasions when a girl shows my husband flirty attention, I get somewhat irritated with her because I think it’s quite obvious that he loves me and I love him so there’s no need for her assistance in this relationship 😉 I guess that might be jealousy? But at the same time I have no fear of him leaving or reciprocating- I’m just annoyed with the advancement. Ha.

    • chelsea

      January 20, 2015 at 10:46 am

      that’s a valid point about comparing ourselves to others, especially other people’s relationships. i’ve definitely been guilty of that too and it’s something that i try to remind myself that i don’t actually knoooow how they function when they are alone.

      i think you totally have a right to be irritated when other women flirt with your husband, that is totally weird and not okay. why would they do that?? i don’t think it’s so much jealous as annoyance like you said since you aren’t feeling insecure about yourself or your relationship so that’s a good thing. tell those ladies to step off 🙂
      chelsea recently posted…7 Fun Date Ideas in Portland, Oregon!

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