The Ridiculous Things My Toddler Makes Me Say

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thank you for cheering me on with my word of the year (and not currently pregnant -currently drinking lots of red wine). thanks also for sharing your word too – seems like 2018 is going to be an epic one for us!

since ‘married life chats‘ tends to be a popular post, i thought you might like insight into what i’ve said to my toddler this past week. i do tend to say weird stuff because i’m a weird gal but i never thought these sentences would come from my mouth. parenthood is weird on a whole new level.

for a mini atlas update, she is 16.5 months and weighs 25lbs. she fits in 2 year old clothing and has 12 teeth, which she isn’t afraid to use. she also currently has 100% more hair than i had when i turned two.

oh the things riduculous things my toddler has made me say to her recently:

“atlas, don’t let sugar lick your tongue.”

“hey! don’t put your foot in the potty!”

“did you really just take my cookie, sign ‘thank you’ and walk away?”

“nope, toilets are not for playing.”

“no matter what angle you come at it, you will not fit your booty in that dollhouse.”

“while i appreciate you saying please, i still cannot give you wine.”

“attie, please stop gagging yourself. it’s making me gag.”

“okay, i’m shutting you in the dark closet one more time and then it’s bedtime.”

as she dumps her smoothie all over herself and the highchair
me: oh shit! uuuuugh
atlas: oh sit oh sit oh sit, mama!


so, i need your help. atlas is quickly copying much of what we say and do (i thought i had until 2 years for this?!)

what are some of your favorite expressions you use instead of cussing? both ravery and i tend to put the sailors to shame with our colorful language.

if you saw my instastory last night, you know it was a rough one. she’s suddenly turned full blown toddler, which is like full blown <insert any determined/intense/selective-hearing villain here>. she has a cold and is teething again so i hope the dragon inside her retreats soon and i get this sweet, curious thing back!

hope you’re having a marvelous day and please leave a comment with…

  • your favorite colorful expressions instead of curse words
  • funny things you’ve said recently 
  • what it feels like to turn 31 (i’ll be experiencing this next week!)

26 Comments

  1. Melinda

    January 17, 2018 at 6:13 am

    I can’t help you on the cuss words, as I didn’t use to swear back then. Except for after a minor car accident, when I used both “s^&t, and f%$k” and next minute my adorable 3yo is walking up and down the pavement, as I exchanged details with the other driver, loudly proclaiming “S*&t, f%$k, S*&t, f%$k, S*&t, f%$k”. Oops….

    You’ll get your adorable curious girl back, she’s just hurting and doesn’t have the means to express herself yet. It’s tough parenting these phases.

    I LOVED turning 31! For some reason 30 meant nothing, but when I turned 31 it felt like a whole new world opened up. I felt older, in a really good way. I think 31 was one of the best years I’d had.

    • chelsea

      January 22, 2018 at 2:40 pm

      oh now that is a funny story (assuming everyone was fine in the accident) melinda 🙂

      yes you’re right – her way to mostly communicate is through whining – though she does have an impressive vocab but i do need to cut her more slack 🙂

      i absolutely LOVE hearing that you LOVED turning 31 – that’s so great. i will be channeling your energy and positivity around this particular birthday!

  2. Mallory

    January 17, 2018 at 7:16 am

    We use “oh dilly!” It is silly but better for her to repeat than anything else.
    “Actually, that tiara is not underwear.” Our 20 month old got a sparkly tiara for Christmas and puts the headband part on her waist and says “underwear,” and then starts singing jingle bells. We have zero clue why, but she has done is several times.

    • chelsea

      January 22, 2018 at 2:41 pm

      what a stinkin’ cutie ms. tiara-underwear-lady! she’s just feelin’ herself! i will have to try out ‘oh dilly!’ – thanks for that recommendation mallory!

  3. Kate

    January 17, 2018 at 7:18 am

    Aida definitely hit the terrible twos around the same time as Atlas! And when we went in for her 18montb checkup, the doctor was like “yep, you’ve got at least another year of this” and I wanted to cry. Luckiest, tantrums are temporary and this age is also really fun! Aida also likes to be shut up in he dark closet. ‍♀️ She’ll stand at the closet door, look at us and say “bye bye. Bye bye mama.” I am not so great either at watching my mouth…I usually just say “oh no!” Or “oh my goodness!” But when I’m really mad about something I still curse, so it’s a work in progress.

    • chelsea

      January 22, 2018 at 2:43 pm

      a whole additional year, kate?! whew.. deep breaths and stock up on wine. this age really is fun to see her explore and learn so much and always! good reminder that the bad times pass and are temporary. what is it with these kids and wanting to hide in the dark?? it’s too funny!

  4. Audrey

    January 17, 2018 at 8:14 am

    Hahahahahaha. Oh Attie. I love the trying to fit into her dollhouse attempts. Many of my friends with kids have babies that enjoy playing in the toilet. I think it’s a water thing 😉

    When I worked at a kids’ clothing store I’d say, “Oh sugar” all the time instead of “oh shit”, but that might be a little confusing for the pup 😉

    One of my favorite movies is Fantastic Mr. Fox and instead of cursing they say “cuss.” Like are you cussing with me? Or get the cuss out. Or clustercuss. I say that all the time (plus a full array of curse words, ha).

    • chelsea

      January 22, 2018 at 2:52 pm

      it must be a baby water thing because it’s like she has little magnets in her hands for that dang toilet bowl!

      my mom recommended “oh sugar!” too – that’s what she used with me and my sister but you’re right – it’s too confusing with pup by the same name!

      my friend beki recommended ‘cuss’ too! clustercuss is seriously hilarious! thank you for that – i need to start incorporating it!

  5. Elyse @ Just Murrayed

    January 17, 2018 at 8:54 am

    These are too funny! Some of the cuss words I use at work all rhyme so it’s easy to blurt out when your brain goes blank, “crikey”, “shnikey” and I totally use the word cussing for the F word(Thank you Fantastic Mr. Fox!)

    • chelsea

      January 22, 2018 at 2:54 pm

      oh that’s a good one too for crikey and shnikey – i feel my dad says those so i’ll have to test them out too! fantastic mr. fox is obviously missing out on – will have to add it to my liiiife

  6. Amberly

    January 17, 2018 at 9:59 am

    Totally laughing at these!! Just this week I had to tell my kids that we don’t lick our brother/sister. 😛

    • chelsea

      January 22, 2018 at 2:56 pm

      haha i mean – these kids and their tongues to investigate everything! glad i’m no alone in this

  7. J Luce

    January 17, 2018 at 10:45 am

    Oh, man, the definite gems that come out of our mouths as parents…

    To Matt, recently:
    Me: “Can I have a kiss?”
    Matt: *giggles, come at me with a wet and very open mouth*
    Joey: “Dude. Don’t open-mouth make out with your mom.”

    Me, getting Matt into a bath: “Oh….you still had poop on your butt. Oh, and now you’re peeing. Okay, get up, we’re refilling the tub.”

    Matt: “Bahh bahh bahh…”
    Joey: “Bah bah bah, Ba Barbara Ann…”
    Me (in the kitchen): *joining Joey’s chorus*
    Matt: *judge-y baby look*

    • chelsea

      January 22, 2018 at 2:58 pm

      haha those are too funny, jen! i especially love joey saying ‘don’t open-mouth make out with your mom!’ hahah we have yet to have to change out the bath water! i’m sure our time is coming…hah

  8. Penny

    January 17, 2018 at 9:13 pm

    I try to use frigging or fracking instead of the other f word. I try to say what the hotel instead of what the hell. I say crapola instead of crap. As far as atlas play things I think this is normal and typical of babies at this age. But she is so cute I love hearing about it all and I love seeing the videos of her and all of you. I am sure she will have beautiful curly hair like u have

    • chelsea

      January 22, 2018 at 2:59 pm

      i hope she will have my curly hair too!

      ohhh friggin’ is a good one. i used to say that and i like ‘what the hotel’ ha! thanks for the additional suggestions penny 🙂

  9. Courtney {Alkeks Abroad}

    January 17, 2018 at 9:30 pm

    Oh my gosh love this post. Leighton says “thank you” anytime she sees our food coming because she assumes all food is hers. The other night she was in the overtired, silly zone and next thing we know we hear the lapping of water from the dog bowl and both dogs are sitting in the living room…. she came around the corner with a wet face and hands. I’m so mad we didn’t see it! I said “were you playing in the dog’s wa wa?” and she just goes “yeah!” I can’t believe the attitude that is already starting too. I feel like I need researching discipline techniques ugh.

    • Courtney {Alkeks Abroad}

      January 17, 2018 at 9:32 pm

      Oh and I just said “no matter how hard you try that toy (plastic shepherd from her nativity scene) will not fit in mommy’s belly button.” Apparently she thinks my gaping pregnant belly button is large enough to double as toy storage.

      • chelsea

        January 22, 2018 at 3:01 pm

        oh leighton and oh pregnancy belly buttons! hope you are still feeling good courtney! i’m going to need all your advice when we add a baby #2!

    • chelsea

      January 22, 2018 at 3:01 pm

      hahah i love the pre-emptive ‘thank you’ because she knows that food will most likely end up hers! what a smart little lady leighton is! oh my goodness – DRINKING out of the dog bowl?! haha too funny. we have the splashing issue but drinking is a whole new level! TOO funny but yeah – let me know those discipline techniques you find!

  10. Glenda

    January 18, 2018 at 9:45 pm

    Chelsea, you should know that you and Ryan are people that I really respect for the positivity you bring in to the world. However, I’m a bit disappointed. Did you notice that all of these are negative? Everything that you’ve listed is telling her that her actions are bad. I’m sure you say positive things as well. Do you have any weird positive things to share with your readers?

    • chelsea

      January 22, 2018 at 3:04 pm

      thank you for your thoughts glenda. i do understand what you are saying about most of these being about telling her to stop something. that is indeed the stage she is in with exploring boundaries so there is a lot of telling her “no” to certain things so she learns. this post was meant to be a snapshot into the unexpected, weird things i said to her recently. she gets told many many times a day that she is kind/smart/sharing/helpful/loving/silly/funny/etc but they don’t sound too weird so therefore were not shared.

  11. Lisa

    January 18, 2018 at 10:12 pm

    This morning I told Isabelle to “STOP PUTTING CRACKERS ON YOUR VAGINA!” Proud mom moment. Sigh.

    • chelsea

      January 22, 2018 at 2:37 pm

      bahahah oh my goodness. this is TOO funny lisa!

  12. Vivien

    January 24, 2018 at 2:48 pm

    Love these posts, I daresay as much as married life chats!

    Down to serious business:

    – Colorful Expressions: Oh shaving cream!
    – Compared to your post, I’ve got nothing.
    – I keep forgetting…and thinking I’m still 30. May be old age and forgetfulness settling in…

    • chelsea

      February 6, 2018 at 1:23 am

      ohhh i like the idea of ‘oh shaving cream!’ ha! i’ll have to give that a test run. thanks vivien!

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