How to Spice Things Up in a Long Term Relationship

hooray! i’m so excited to have kait back here to share ways on how to spice things up in a long term relationship! as of next week, my husband and i will have been together for 8 years. not only does that make me feel like time is playing a trick on me that it could be that long but we are going to start incorporating some of kait’s tips.

yeaaaah, different spices are needed to keep things interesting, especially when you’ve been together for a while. perfect timing to kick your weekend off with some BAM! (is it weird that now i’m bringing the chef emeril in and his famous saying of ‘BAM!’ when he adds spices to cooking? probably…).

i’m over on her blog today talking about how in the midst of our 8 years together, there have been times when my husband and i started morphing into one big blob of “we.” hellllllo, we are cool women and don’t want that to be lost in our relationship! come say hi and learn ways to keep your sense of self in a relationship.

The big ol’ geek in me needs you to know something: its in our nature to be lazy. Our brains and bodies want to take the easiest way out. This phenomenon, whether it’s cooking the same thing for dinner every night or taking the most efficient route to work, applies to your sex life too. Over time we fall into patterns or sexual scripts: sex before bed, on Sunday mornings, or after date night. It fits into our schedule and it works…until of course it doesn’t.

You’re bored. Sex feels like one more thing on your to-do list. Maybe you even start faking orgasms just to get through things. Regardless, some part of you feels unfulfilled.

Few of us in long-term relationships are immune from this. I like to think of boredom in the bedroom as one of life’s few guarantees. And while Cosmo and Women’s Health give you long lists of blowjob tips and impossible sex positions, today I’m going to share just three ideas about how to spice things up in a long-term relationship. In fact, these are steps you’ll actually enjoy taking. After all, pleasure is one of my Core Desired Feelings and you can bet I’m a firm believer that the process to better sex should be as enjoyable* as the sex that results from it.

*Enjoyable does not mean without its awkward moments. Embrace the awkward, girlfriend – it makes for the greatest stories to laugh about later.

3 Ideas of How to Spice Things Up in a Long Term Relationship.

1. 1) Go on an adventure together.

   Think back to the first time you and your beau had sex. You probably felt a mixture of excitement and nervousness or fear (they are two sides of the same coin, after all). So much was unknown…but thanks to a cocktail of lovey-dovey-make-you-horny hormones, all you cared about was touching each other as often as possible. By doing exciting things together, you can reactivate those hormones. As a bonus, the time together builds intimacy and gives you some fab stories to share later. You don’t have to do anything huge- just go outside your comfort zone, whatever that looks like for you and your sweetie. To summarize: spice up your relationship, spice up your sex life. You heard it here first folks.

   2) Have sex before date night.

   Or Sunday evening. Or at whatever time you don’t normally have sex. Don’t wait until you’re too tired or too stressed- follow Nike’s example and just do it. Be sure to turn the oven off if you decide to engage in a little pre-dinner naughtiness but otherwise, have fun with it. Oh and if you don’t totally feel in the mood, start with a few kisses and see where it goes. Many women experience “responsive desire” and need something sexual stimulating to be occurring before they want to have sex. This is different from “spontaneous desire”- aka the wind blows and…well you know.

   3) Try one new thing each week (or month).

   Most likely there’s at least one thing you or your honey have fantasized about but are afraid to discuss. See #1 above, talk about it, and then, if you’re both comfortable and willing, try it out. If not, explore some alternatives (not into rope bondage- how about starting with a blindfold?). If you need new ideas, I highly recommend XConfessions (the free account gets you a few videos) and OActually. I think it goes without saying that both are NSFW. Prefer writing to video? Head on over to Fanfic, find your fave TV show and those characters you can’t wait to hook up, and browse the M-rated stories. You’re welcome.

Bonus tip: When doing something new, whether its a sex toy, position, or fantasy, try it at least three times before you rule it out. Our awkwardness and lack of confidence (wait what do I do with that again?!) often get in the way the first time.

I’ve found that my sex life and relationship are more intimate and fulfilling when I practice what I preach. The best part, you never have to worry about pulling a muscle or spouting out some cheesy line…unless of course that’s what you’re into.

Your Partner in Passion,

Kait

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ps. don’t forget to come say hi to me over in kait’s corner of the internet!