7 Tips to Talk to Your Sweetie About SEX!

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happy friday new wifestylers! i am giddy with excitement because i have personally connected with a fabulous sex and relationship expert, kait (who was just featured in COSMO!) within 10 minutes of our first chat, we had covered social justice and big dreams so i can vouch for her awesomeness. today she is sharing her insight into the sometimes-awkward topic: S-E-X. she shares tips to talk to your sweetie about sex because let’s face it, sometimes we still blush and sweat a lot when thinking about addressing it.

we are going to do some swapsies every now and then because i believe her content is highly valuable to us empowered people over here! kait provides real talk on her blog about sex while empowering women to find freedom in pleasure. cheers to that!

i’m over on her blog today sharing what to do if your partner’s love language is physical touch and yours isn’t it (hello real life). some come say hi and see why “touchy/feely” means two very different things between me and my husband! let’s welcome kait and leave her some love in the comments!


Hi there- I’m Kait, a NYC-based sex and relationship coach and the founder of Passion by Kait, where I help women like you find freedom in pleasure. I’m super excited to be taking over The New Wifestyle for the day to share tips for one of my favorite topics: how to talk about sex with your significant other. You’ll be seeing me around these parts every now and then as Chelsea and I swap blogs from time-to-time. I’ll be adding a little bit of sexy while she gives my readers some of Wifestyle Wisdom.



Have you ever noticed that the most difficult person to talk to about sex is the one you’re having it with? It’s the ultimate relationship paradox: to have better sex you need to discuss it with your partner but you never learned how to have such a conversation so it feels super awkward and you don’t know where to start.


Here’s the thing: almost everyone struggles to talk to their significant other about sex. My beau and I have been together for over 10 years and I still don’t feel I’ve mastered “the talk.” I have, however, done a lot of trial and error and figured out things that make the conversation so much easier. You may still feel a little awkward, but these seven tips will help the conversation go smoothly.

7 Tips for Talking To Your Sweetie about Sex

  1. DO give yourself a reason to start the conversation. This post, for example, is perfect. So is 50 Shades (you knew it would be mentioned at least once, right?), the smutty fanfic you read on your lunch break or (shameless self promotion) doing a Sexual Clarity Call. What these things do is provide a conversation starter, a reason to bring the topic up. If you feel shame or embarrassment about your desires, having this reason is priceless. Now you can start things off with, “Hey hun- I was reading x and learned about y.” This is why, despite the issues with 50 Shades of Grey, I’m grateful for it. It inspired conversations that weren’t happening in the past and gave the average woman permission to want more intimacy, intensity, and pleasure. Sexpert tip: you don’t actually have to have read anything. If it’s on your mind and you’re feeling shy about bringing it up, its ok to say it was someone else’s idea.
  1. DON’T just blurt the question out. Remember Just because something has been on your mind doesn’t mean your partner has given it any thought. Let me give you a personal example. I recently reviewed a book on ethical non-monogamy called My Life on the Swingset. I wasn’t expecting to get much out of it but instead found myself having all sorts of revelations and a-ha! moments. I felt curious if my partner had any similar thoughts. After mulling over these topics for about an hour on the subway, I unceremoniously blurted out my question as we walked up the sidewalk. My poor beau had no context for the question and fumbled a bit before answering. I could see he was worried about how I would receive his answer so I offered mine first instead, along with a lot of reassurance that it would be ok no matter what he said. We ended up having an amazing conversation and it was another learning moment for me.
  1. DO ask open-ended questions. Once you’ve broached the topic, follow up with a simple, “What do you think about that?” For example, “I was reading about anal play. What do you think about that?” Avoid asking, “Have you ever thought about [sex act]?” Yes/no questions prevent any deeper discussion before it even begins. Insider tip: your sweetie may have never thought about it so be prepared for yes, no, and I don’t know as valid answers. If they aren’t sure, set up some time to have a follow-up chat once they’ve had a few days to process.
  1. DON’T try to talk about everything at once. Another benefit of reading about sex is that you get so many new ideas. You may be tempted to ask your partner about all the things you’re interested in trying. Resist this temptation, particularly if talking about sex is a new territory for the two of you. Instead, focus on one or two things that are the most important to you. Let’s say you want to talk to your partner about using sex toys together and the fact that whenever you exclaim, “Don’t stop!” they switch things up. Keep these conversations for separate times so the two of you can really take the time to talk them through.
  1. DO use other tools. A fabulous sex conversation prompter is a yes/no/maybe list. Basically these include a wide range of sex acts that you may or may not be interested in. You and your beau fill one out separately and then compare. There are so many different versions but here is my favorite. Your fantasies are another great source of ideas. The things you’ve always thought about trying or that excite you are great indicators of what else would be good to try. Sexpert tip: make a weekly sex talk date where you can go through the list for x number of minutes and figure out some new things to try.
  1. DON’T talk about sex while you’re having it. Asking for what you want in the bedroom? Hot. Asking about your partner’s deepest sexual secrets? Mood killer. Reserve the big conversations for times when you’re not doing it. Whether it’s something new you want to try or a dissatisfaction you want to address, bringing the topic up during sexy time is practically guaranteed to lead to hurt feelings.
  1. DO make time to try new things. You’ve talked about the new things you want to try. Now what? It’s time to try some of them out! Talking is all well and good, and may even be as much of a turn-on to you as the act itself, but setting aside time to see if you really do like spanking or rope bondage is just as important. As my business coach says, “Clarity comes from taking action.” I like adding “in the bedroom…” to the end of that. Sexpert tip: always talk about new things before trying them. Don’t pull a Danny Castellano and “oops” try something new. Side lesson: you can’t just slip into the booty. If you have no clue about this reference, I suggest binge watching The Mindy Project asap.

Talking to your sweetie about sex doesn’t have to be so hard. These tips, a little courage, and a lot of empathy and respect go a long way.

Your Partner in Passion,

Kait xo


  1. Audrey

    February 27, 2015 at 7:42 am

    Such a different post to comprehend and digest compared to what I normally read on Friday morning! My husband and I don’t talk about sex very often, but I think it’s mostly because we’re both satisfied with what happens when making out turns into more 😉 I do really like the idea of #5 with the lists! (Love, love, love lists! Haha!)

    I love The Mindy Project reference, too! 🙂
    Audrey recently posted…For the Love of Dogs

    • Kait

      February 27, 2015 at 9:25 am

      We figures you we’d add a little oomph to everyone’s Friday!

      Yes/no/maybe lists are SO fun. They’re sexy and silly and provide totally new ideas. I promise there’ll be at least one thing you’ll need to look up on urban dictionary. 😉
      Kait recently posted…3 Ways to Meet the Needs of Your ‘Physical Touch’ Partner

    • chelsea

      February 27, 2015 at 3:02 pm

      hah hope you already had your coffee, audrey because BOOM SEX! 🙂 i totally love lists too. recently my husband and i started talking more about sex and i got weirdly uncomfortable! i’m totally going to use some of kait’s suggestions and ask myself why i got so weird recently about it.
      chelsea recently posted…7 Tips to Talk to Your Sweetie About SEX!

  2. Melissa C

    February 27, 2015 at 12:17 pm

    Great tips! It’s definitely not easy to talk about. My husband and I have been in couples therapy, and this has been something we’ve been working on. Love these posts today, gals!
    Melissa C recently posted…Easy Monkey Cupcakes : Pinterest Win!

    • chelsea

      February 27, 2015 at 3:03 pm

      so happy to hear that you and your husband have been in couples therapy, melissa! we’ve done that multiple times too and found it so helpful for our relationship! appreciate you you sharing that melissa and keep on making your relationship a priority 🙂

    • Kait

      February 27, 2015 at 3:13 pm

      It definitely isn’t easy, even for me and my colleagues! Glad you enjoyed the posts. 🙂
      Kait recently posted…3 Ways to Meet the Needs of Your ‘Physical Touch’ Partner