How to Deal With Different Sex Drives

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greetings from casablanca and happy happy friday to you! what better way to kick off the weekend than talking about something that most of us have and experience at some point in our relationship; how to deal with different sex drives. i have kait here talking about suggestions for when this happens (because it will) and i’m over on her blog talking about ways to still feel intimate, that don’t include sex!

Close your eyes and think back to when you and your significant other first met. I’m guessing you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. In fact, you may have even blown off family and friends to be together (it’s ok- we’ve all been there).

Fast forward to now. You’re long past the “do it like rabbits” stage of your relationship. And one or both of you wants it less. It’s not that you don’t love each other or that you aren’t attracted to each other…

You’re just not in the mood as much anymore.

Maybe you’ve mentioned this to your friends and they’re in the same boat: in love but no longer in lust.How to Deal With Different Sex Drives in a Long Term Relationship

First of all, this is normal.

When you first fall in lust love, your brain unleashes a ton of lovey-dovey chemicals. These cause the butterflies in your stomach and the need to be together – in every meaning of the word – all the time.

As time goes on, those hormone levels even out. At the same time, you get more vulnerable with each other, sharing the good, bad, and ugly. Fights happen and life takes over. The end result is this:

The sex isn’t bad but it’s also not what you want.

It’s missing that spark or gotten boring or happening too much or not enough. Maybe you don’t feel as connected to your partner anymore. Whatever it is, I promise: someone else has been through it.

So now that you know you’re normal, what do you do about it?! Simple:

Take control of your love life.

As 20s and 30-somethings, our lives are so beautifully full. I wouldn’t change this time for anything. But it’s so easy to forget about sex. Or push it for another day when you aren’t as stressed about work, family, or self-care. Sometimes these things truly are more important. Often though sex is just as important, or more so (especially if physical touch is your partner’s love language).

Taking control of your love life can look like a lot of things. It means…

  1. Having a deep understanding of what turns you on and what gets you there (and what ‘there’ really feels like).
  2. Scheduling time for sex. And making it non-negotiable.
  3. Sharing your wants and needs with your sweetie.
  4. Trying new things together. Like these or this or these.
  5. Asking great questions like how to make your relationship a priority while still being independent or how to keep your sense of self in a relationship.

Forget cooking, order takeout, and have sex instead.

I know this isn’t a listicle with DO THIS NOW! bright shiny arrows or quick fixes. Sex drive differences and changes are bound to happen at some point in your relationship and the solutions are as unique as you and your sweetie.

The good news is, each broad step above can be broken into baby steps that you can try…tonight. Or right now if you’re somewhere it’s appropriate.

Want to…

  • learn what you like? Watch porn or read erotica – have some self-exploration. Make a note of what turns you on and share that with your partner.
  • make it more likely that you’ll have sex when you say you will? Do it before dinner (or the date or whatever).
  • share your desires with your sweetie? Use this post as a reason to talk to your partner about sex.
  • try new things? Fill out a yes/no/maybe list together (tip: I include one in my Quickie Package).
  • do it all? Take some time to browse Chelsea and my site (if you haven’t already). We both write a shit ton about how to do all of this. One baby step at a time.

One of my coaches always says, “Clarity comes from taking action.” That action doesn’t have to be grandiose! Instead, take the smallest, least scary that’s still outside your comfort zone.

Don’t wait for sex to just happen.

You might never be able to fully regain the lust-filled haze of your relationship’s early days, BUT with a little forethought, the right tools, and some courage, you can have the intimate, adventurous, and fulfilling sex life you both desire.

Your Partner in Passion,
Kait xo

P.S. Sex life good but need some more intimacy? Check out Chelsea’s post over on my blog for 5 Ways to Feel Intimate Without Having Sex.


  1. Anastasia

    July 31, 2015 at 10:18 am

    This is awesome, and I love all the side links. It’s surprising how little this is talked about in person!
    Anastasia recently posted…Top 7 Sites for Royalty Free Images

  2. Elyse

    July 31, 2015 at 3:46 pm

    The best part is, never wait for it to just happen. Sure sex is much more fun when it’s spontaneous but sometimes you just gotta schedule it. No shame in that either as long as you’re both enjoying it.
    Elyse recently posted…Highs and Lows of July

    • chelsea

      August 7, 2015 at 10:41 am

      agreed elyse! spontaneous sex is fun but you’re right, scheduling it can be just as fun. sometimes it’s almost because of the anticipating building up to it.