How To Stop Feeling Jealous In Your Relationship
jealousy, especially romantic jealousy is something that many people and couples struggle with in their relationships. there is a common misconception that jealousy is linked to being deeply in love and that is not the case. this will touch on how to stop feeling jealous in your relationship.
i was having a conversation the other day with someone and telling her how amusing it was when we were in china, women were constantly telling my husband how sexy and handsome he is. they were also very comfortable telling me that he is one of the most good looking men they had ever laid eyes on. after finishing this story, the woman asked me how jealous i got over it.
i gave a funny look and told her that not a single ounce of me felt jealousy in that situation. she let me know how rare she thinks that is, especially in between people in a relationship.
now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like i have my whole life figured out over here or that my husband and i don’t struggle with other martial issues (like asking for space), but jealousy has never been one of them.
when i asked my husband about this, he agreed that he rarely gets jealous. we both brought up a few situations where we felt a twinge of it, but for the most part it doesn’t exist for us.
before you think we are some sort of weird robotic couple that doesn’t feel the spectrum of human emotions, let’s backtrack to the unhealthy relationship i had before i met my husband. i was constantly jealous and it was a fun game to try and toe the line to make my ex-boyfriend jealous. we also broke up/got back together at least 5 times over the course of our three year relationship so you can see that there may have been some drama involved. i had/have a lot of unlearning to do to be in a healthy relationship.
my ex would conveniently drop a line in a conversation of “oh yeah – shelia came up to me and told me she loved my hair and thought i looked gooood today.” that would immediately make me feel like i had to ‘get back at him’ so maybe i’d flirt with a guy for just a liiiiittle too long in front of him or something like that. super healthy, i know.
i share this with you because i understand what it feels like on both sides. i can also assure how the grass is really greener (but not with envy) on this side when you feel secure and jealousy-free in your relationship.
as i was doing research for this article, i ran across this post from psychology today and it listed 6 key factors of why people feel jealous.
the ones that caught my attention for why we feel jealous are low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy in your relationship and too much dependence on your partner.
this got me thinking about the difference between the overall unhealthy relationship i had with my ex and the healthy marriage that i work on daily with my husband now. not only that, but i’ve been reflecting on how i’ve changed as a person too.
why i felt jealousy with my ex:
- unhealthy way of communicating about almost all topics
- we both thought this was a sign of passion to get the other person to feel jealous
- i had severely low self-confidence in my appearance and who i was as a person
- i felt like i could do better because i knew it was unhealthy on some level
- i didn’t trust what he would do when he wasn’t with me
- it was thrilling to make him jealous
why i don’t feel jealously with my husband:
- we work on communication daily to make sure we are both being heard and understood
- i trust him 100%. no joke, it’s 100%. the thought of him being unfaithful to me has never crossed my mind and it’s not something i ever worry about when we are apart
- we’ve both been in relationships where jealousy was a thing and we hated it and don’t want it in ours
- we both believe we “married-up” and there isn’t anyone else out there that would be more compatible for either of us
- i am confident in who i am as a woman and who i am as a wife
- we openly talk about situations and feelings we have so it gives reassurance to each other that we are sharing our true feelings
i still do get jealous in other areas of my life when it comes to blogging, our business, fitness, etc. but i’m working on it. it boils down to ME needing to feel capable in who i am as a person in those other areas but in terms of my marriage, i feel solid.
here are 5 ways on how to stop feeling jealous in your relationship:
1) acknowledge you feel this and want to change it
if you want to change something about yourself or about your life, you first need to acknowledge it. you need to know why you don’t want to feel this way anymore and are ready to do something about it.
2) figure out reality vs. made-up
our minds are powerful tools so be conscious of what you are thinking. are your feelings of jealousy validated by their actions or rather fears that exist in your own mind? remind yourself not to believe everything you think or make up.
3) trust one another fully
unless there has been evidence of infidelity or larger reasons why you no longer trust your partner, believe fully that they want to be with you. if you do struggle with deeper issues of trust, i’d recommend seeing a marriage or relationship counselor to help you work through it. otherwise, trust fully and completely in your partner’s love for your and their actions.
4) list all the reasons you are awesome
self-esteem plays a huge part of why we feel jealous so sometimes we just need a friendly reminder that we rock. i do this by listing all of the things i once thought impossible but did them anyway. you have to work on feeling confident in who you are as a person and partner and know that you are worthy of love in your relationship.
5) let your partner know you’re working on this
it’s important to share with your partner that you are working on ridding jealousy from your relationship so they can help hold you accountable. this is also an opportunity to talk openly and respectfully if there are actions that either of you do that you would like to change.
i know this is a tough topic to talk about but what are your experiences with jealousy? how do you deal with? how do you get over? what do you or others around you struggle with?