married AND still an individual. whoa.
don’t get me wrong, i love my husband deeply- love our partnership, love being with him and holding his hand, love kissing his luscious lips and love laughing until one of us almost pees (if it’s less than a tablespoon-it doesn’t count as peeing your pants FYI) however, i have no desire to do everything together.
recently, i enjoyed a large block of “me time” while my husband finally made one of his life long dreams come true: getting scuba certified (you can read about his years of planning/saving here on his blog). i have had multiple people say “oh, why aren’t you getting certified with him?” or “wow, that’s interesting you aren’t both doing that” or “it would probably be a more enjoyable hobby if you both did it.” here’s why: BECAUSE I DON’T WANT ALL THOSE THINGS ON MY FACE /BODY AND THEN HAVE TO DEPEND ON A LIMITED AIR SUPPLY. or be eaten by a shark. most importantly…i’m still my own person, with my very own interests and disinterests. yes, even with this pretty ring on my finger and committing my life to this one person, i have zero interest in scuba diving (it takes me a little while to even stop freaking out for snorkeling).
here’s the thing: just because you get married or are in a committed relationship does not mean you must (or should) suddenly want to participate in every single thing the other person does. even though i can be grossly infatuated with my tall and lanky, handsome husband, i am a woman with my own passions, hobbies and goals and not all of those revolve around him or even “us.”
that being said, if you are going to be in it for the long haul, it’s probably wise to share a few commonalities and hobbies so you can enjoy doing things together. i firmly believe in order to keep a strong marriage alive-you must also remain individuals.
this concept actually did take some time for my husband to come to terms with and he did spend quite some time convincing me to get scuba certified with him. his main concern was that he would be experiencing all these amazing things without “the most beautiful, smartest, most well-written and funniest person” by his side (i’m pretty sure those were his exact words). what i spent time expressing was that even though i have no interest in being submerged under 60 feet of water while weird things contemplate puncturing my oxygen tank (which would be already dwindling thanks for my labored breathing due to anxiety) or biting off my fingers…i would gladly (and very happily) be sunning myself of the boat’s deck or the beach eagerly awaiting to hear all about it.
what finally clicked for him in this situation was the realization that i didn’t necessarily have to be experiencing everything with him underwater-he mainly just wanted me to be traveling with him to fun locations and be supporting his interests, which i am moooore than happy to do because our bigger shared interest is traveling. and let’s be honest, i would most likely take away from his experience of scuba diving by freaking out every 7 seconds underwater anyways.
in a few weeks he will venture under open water for the final part of his certification and i will be laying on the beach (with unobstructed breathing capabilities) with chilled wine in one hand, thumbs up on the other and a proud smile on my face for him pursuing a new passion!
the new wifestyle: maintain a sense of your own identity as an individual while supporting your significant other’s passions as well.
questions:
1) what is something your significant other does that you have zero interest in?
2) flip side: what do you love doing that they don’t?
3) have you been or do you ever desire to go scuba diving? (if not, you can come lay on the beach with me!)
Heather Hawkins
July 22, 2013 at 11:37 am
1) I don’t want to fondle the insides of computers or know exactly how they run as long as they do run.
2) He has no interest in Toastmasters other than to go to competitions to see his lady being super, duper happy.
3) I don’t like open water so much. I flipped out a little in the Blue Lagoon when I thought my feet might slip!
chelsea
July 23, 2013 at 2:49 pm
baaahah heather-i don’t want to fondle the insides of computers either! thanks for making me chuckle. i am more of a beach person and shallow waters when it comes to open water!
Debra
July 22, 2013 at 11:39 am
1). There are many things my husband participates in or enjoys that I have zero interest. But the main one is car racing. The sounds of cars zooming around the track is like fingernails on a blackboard to me. Right up there with car racing is golf. Chasing a little white ball around a course and trying to get it in a very small hole. And in 110 degree heat? Really? No thanks!
2). My interests he wants to remain distant from are many I am sure. Probably number one would be handbell ringing. Don’t ever think he really liked or enjoyed any part of that. He use to beg me not to have to attend another handbell concert. Lol.
3). I will be on the beach with you. No gear of any kind in my mouth and on my face. And the thought of limited air supply is way too scary.
chelsea
July 23, 2013 at 2:50 pm
oh man these are some good ones-i don’t much care for car racing either or watching people chase around a little white ball of golf either-hah lovely descriptions debra! see you on the beach!
Joyce Feustel
July 22, 2013 at 9:01 pm
1) My husband runs twice a day M-F for short runs and then a longer run both days of the weekend. Though I used to be a runner, I gave up running in 1990 due to shin splints. Yes, I admit it. I really a wimp. So, I do have some interest in running, but I won’t be running with him anytime soon or maybe not ever. Another thing he really loves to do is watch soccer, and I hardly understand the game of soccer.
2) I love to go to Toastmasters meetings, contests, and trainings and even belong to three Toastmasters clubs. Although my husband is an excellent speaker and trainer, he has absolutely NO interest in Toastmasters.
3) Chelsea, I will be on the beach with you – scuba diving terrifies me, as does downhill skiing and many other sports. Remember, I said I was a wimp. 🙂
chelsea
July 23, 2013 at 2:52 pm
wow joyce-twice a day! i wouldn’t want to keep up with that either and shin splints are the worse! i am seeing a trend for some toastmasters business here but glad they are supportive nonetheless! i will save another spot on the beach for you too!
Paula Howley
July 24, 2013 at 7:54 pm
1. Motorcycles. Specifically, his Triumph. I couldn’t care less about his motorcycle (except the fact that it seems to be costing us a FORTUNE). My daughter likes it though, and she goes riding with him (which absolutely terrifies me) and he even bought her a little black leather jacket for her birthday tomorrow.
2. I wish he would come to Toastmasters with me, especially since he is such a good stroyteller. On the other hand, I like that it’s “just mine”.
3. Nah.
Marc Gabris
August 3, 2013 at 3:02 pm
I appreciate your blog on independence within a relationship. I think couples, especially religious people (Christian for me) can get a little too carried away with the “becoming one flesh” idea. I can relate to how this relationship space would be good for staying united as a couple, but still keeping some of your identity as an individual. By understanding what each other are truly interested in, and finding a way to appreciate that, I think it can serve to increase intimacy and connection.
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