Having Anxiety About Lack of Anxiety
if you’ve been a reader for a while (thank you), then you know i’ve been sharing more about having anxiety and how it affects my life, my marriage and the journey i’m on to feel less anxious in my life. i love to travel but the actual act of traveling gives me anxiety. the anticipation leading up to a trip, especially the week before, can keep me up all night, make feel generally sick and start questioning if i should go on it at all.
on tuesday, my husband and i leave for mexico where he is speaking (and i’m working very hard on the beach). from there, we fly to australia where we will be speaking together. after that we fly to hong kong to do another workshop together and another “map to dreaming big” virtual event (remember that you can join us for that one!) okay, typing all that out made me feel a twinge of anxiety but for some reason i’m not experiencing the same amount of anxiety around these trips that i usually do and that in itself…is giving me anxiety.
sigh. can we ever win with anxiety?
at first i considered that maybe i was managing my anxiety much better (and i’m still going to believe this to be true). seconds later i realized i was “supposed” to be feeling a certain way. i was “supposed” to go through this ritual of torture before a trip. i was used to this anxious feeling and now that it’s much less than i’m used to, it’s making nervous.
isn’t that insane?!
part of my brain is telling me that something obviously must be wrong since i’m not having the “supposed normal reaction” to the situation. the other part of my mind is hoping this shows that what i’m doing to change how i cope with anxiety has been helpful.
isn’t it interesting that even though we want something to change so badly, when it actually starts to change, we panic and sort of want it to go back to the old way? i’m sure there is some psychological aspect i learned about in school as to why this is but it’s sort of freaking me out. for now, i’m just a confused, somewhat anxious, somewhat proud gal double checking (instead of 15 times checking) her packing list.