cue mini-freak out
you know those days when you just wake up and feel like it might be a rough one to cope with e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.? that was my day yesterday. for starters, my in-laws are out of town (and i’m very jealous of their pacific northwest adventures) and we have been tasked with keeping their dogs alive. that means we have to feed, water, and walk them. here’s how excited sugar (the white, crazy-hair-like-einstein rescue dog) gets excited and leaps to and fro. that’s daisybell- the very proper poodle who is making sure ravery is putting on his shoes as fast as he can.
oh and we also thought it would be cute to let them sleep with us. i haven’t lived with a dog for 9 years and while it’s generally super fun…when you are trying to fall asleep and all you hear is that little tongue continuously licking every single square inch of their body, it is clinically proven to drive you insane. so i blame a chunk of my mini-freak out on lack of sleep for the past few nights.
i haven’t lived in portland for a whole month and that finally caught up to me. i really had no time to process our big move because i was literally busier and crazier than i have ever been in my entire life (no exaggeration and i never want to be that busy again-it just wasn’t healthy). in between our jobs, we had been traveling almost every weekend, starting our own business(es) and i was putting on a youth leadership seminar for the state of oregon. then it felt like all of a sudden our furniture disappeared, we packed up and left portand without even a minute for me to breath.
because we have been traveling so much, i was used to leaving portland so i think in my mind we were just traveling through various states and hanging out in texas for a while. for some reason it finally just caught up to me. i have no more downtown apartment waiting for me to return. i have no waterfront to walk along, in fact the closest thing for me to walk to is a mcdonald’s 2 miles away with a heat index of 104 degrees. i no longer have my friends texting me to go to happy hour after work or go to brunch at the 2039 choices of cute places. i no longer live in portland. i am also no longer allowed to watch portlandia because it just makes me cry (where they are walking in the ‘music video’ is where i used to run along the waterfront).
when ravery was trying to console me, i happened to freak out on him and tell him i was going crazy and that he probably shouldn’t be around me right now because i’m not feeling very nice. he continued to sit because he’s a sweet man and was worried about me. i warned him. and then proceeded to say not nice things to him so eventually he left (why are we mean to the people who love us so dearly?) and then i left the house for a few hours to chill out and work on adjusting my attitude.
when i got back, i very deliberately avoided eye contact with him until he said “do you want to have a check-in” where i swifty told him not to use my social worky language and get all social worky on me ( i guess he does do a good job listening to me). but he was right, we did need to have a check-in where i let him know that all of a sudden a lot of things hit me about our big life changes, i can’t sleep with those dogs again and apologized for getting a little crazy earlier. it’s okay to be mad but it’s not okay to be mean.
i have also gotten better about letting him know what i need from him in terms of responses to my feelings. his “go-to” response is “mr. fix-it” because he doesn’t want to see me in pain and wants to find a solution to whatever is causing the pain. i let him know i just needed for him to listen to me vent, not try to solve anything and just be with me. he heard me and did just that.
he was even so kind as to make me a kahlua milkshake for my dinner (we ran out a bluebell so it was a mini one).
i guess i’m using this space to process my feelings, to be authentic about my relationship and how i screw up sometimes and write out loud that portland is no longer my home. i know we made the right decision for where we are at in our lives right now with moving to texas, but that doesn’t necessarily make it any easier. and if you are wondering, yes i cried while writing this post and somehow ate 1/2 bag of goldfish crackers.
i feel better today thanks to a restful night’s sleep and i am making myself workout later so i can have some endorphins pumping through my brain. and i’m really looking forward to the 4th of july tomorrow-fire always cheers you up. it should be especially good because i get to celebrate in the land that has an insane amount american/texas pride! i plan on eating hot dogs and watermelon for all 3 meals.
wife lesson: sometimes our emotions take a while to catch up to us and can be too much to handle but try not to take it out on your significant other.
1) how do you (or don’t you) cope with big emotions?
2) do you have dogs? do you let them sleep with you?
3) what are your plans for celebrating the 4th of july?