41 Questions to Ask Before you Get Married
as i was writing the post about our engagement, i was trying to remember how i had my future husband’s engagement ring with me. i asked him about this and he said “well…because it wasn’t really a surprise that we were going to get engaged and then married. the exact date and the how were a surprise but we talked about it a lot and both agreed we wanted to get married.”
he brings up a fantastic point. i am a firm believer that you should talk about important life values, your different lifestyles, your dreams and goals before you plan on tying the knot. this would be a good time to also say that many of those dreams and goals will change and evolve and that’s okay but a discussion needs to be happening because marriage is not something to take lightly.
it shocking to me to hear stories about someone ‘popping the question’ and then being surprised if his/her partner says no. you obviously haven’t talked about it and while i can appreciate the element of surprise as much as the next person, it’s much more valuable to lose a bit of the surprise in order to gain insight on what direction your relationship is moving.
here are some questions to get you started to help see where you and your prospective or current life partner are at (we still visit these questions more informally as a couple even though we are already married)
1) what are a few major life goals you want to accomplish?
2) what does a happy and healthy marriage look like to you?
3) how many kids, if any, do you want?
4) what was your relationship with religion growing up?
5) what religion or spiritual beliefs do you want to practice if we have kids?
6) what type of relationship do you have with your parents? are you happy with it or wish it was different?
7) in previous relationships, what really hurt you or upset you?
8) where do you see yourself living?
9) what type of setting do you want to raise a family? (city, country, suburbs, etc)
10) how often do you like to travel?
11) what are some of your career goals? how do they shape your days? (9am-5pm, entrepreneur, travel for work)
12) what further education and training are you anticipating? what is the cost in time and money?
13) how often do you like having sex and being intimate?
14) what is the best time of day for you to be sexual?
15) what do you need from me when you are feeling sad or upset?
16) describe your perfect vacation
17) what is your love language?
18) what was the culture around money when you were growing up?
19) how do you handle money now?
20) will we share money?
21) do you have any debt and what’s the plan to pay it off?
22) what about investments?
23) how will we decide to purchase bigger ticket items?
24) why do you think i’d make a good spouse?
25) how much alone time do you need?
26) how will we split up holidays with our family vs in-laws?
27) if you become upset about something, can you talk about it immediately or do you need time to cool off?
28) do you want any pets?
29) what are your top 4 values?
30) if i don’t like the way you are handling a situation or making me feel, how should i approach you and vise versa?
31) what makes you happiest about our relationship?
32) what is the most challenging thing about our relationship?
33) if we do have kids, how would you discipline them and how would you reward them?
34) does changing diapers make you gag?
35) how can i encourage you to pursue your goals when you’re struggling?
36) how would our engagement look to you?
37) how would our wedding/celebration look to you?
38) how are we going to pay for a wedding?
39) how are we going to pay for our rings?
40) what are fears that you have?
41) what are we willing to do if we find we are struggling in our marriage?
some of these conversations may seem a little intense for boyfriends and girlfriends to be having, but this is what sets your relationship and marriage up for success. big believer in getting to one another another as deeply as you can before you pledge a lifelong commitment to one another (because that’s a really long time).
the important thing is to continue making space to ask these questions and then also be open to receiving honest answers that will evolve (heeeyo. the social worker is coming out in me!)
this will help give a strong foundation to your relationship and i believe that not enough people are taking the time to have intentional conversations with the person you are hopefully going to spend the rest of your life with.
these questions are also beneficial if you’ve been married for 1 year or 50+ years because we are constantly evolving as we age and as we gain life experiences so reconnect with your spouse by many of these questions.
please pass along to any friends or family that could benefit from having these important conversations!
1) what other questions would you add to this list?
2) what conversation/topic do you wish you had before you got married?
3) what is an area of growth you’ve seen since the beginning of your relationship to now?
(this post was pre-scheduled because i was actually being somewhat productive last week! we are traveling through thailand at the moment so leave me some comment love so that when i pay to get internet, i can hear your thoughts and respond)!